Weddings with a stoma | by Rachel

Being invited to a wedding is a huge honour. A lot may be involved, including hair, makeup, the clothes, and if you are staying over being away from home. When having a stoma, there is alot to wrap your head around if it is your first time at such a special event. Here are my tips on how to navigate this:

Clothing

If you are given a dress to wear, make sure it is suitable for emptying and changing if needed. Try it on, and bend and move as you normally would to ensure you feel comfortable and your bag is not under any pressure. Too tight, and too much pressure in your bag may cause a leak. Be completely honest with the bride if it is not suitable, and work together to find alternative solutions. There are lots of options out there to choose from that wrap around, smock styles, and layers and pleats to conceal things. A cut that allows for a more loose fitting around the waist, will allow your bag to fill without needing to empty it straight away. Lots of my fellow ostomates have shared some lovely outfits on their socials. Search hashtags with wedding and stoma to see what comes up. Having a back up outfit would also be a sensible idea should the worse happen and a leak occur through your dress. Support wear could be your best friend, whether you wear high rise underwear, or buy a support band or belt, you have options. 

Emptying and hydrations 

Wedding days are typically jam packed with activities and socialising. You may go a few hours forgetting to empty when you normally would. I always advise to empty every time you urinate, little and often. This ensures your bag never overflows. At weddings it’s easy to get distracted and lots of time goes by, before you realise you haven’t had a drink. It’s the perfect environment to get dehydrated before you realise, with alcohol potentially being a factor, and losing track of time as you’re having so much fun. Electrolytes can be used to support hydration, drinking little and often, and alternating between alcohol and non alcoholic drinks. You may start feeling signs of early dehydration such as a headache, darker coloured urine, less frequent urination, or drowsiness. If so, take a break, rehydrate, and give yourself some time out. 

Accessory products

There are some accessory products that could support you on special occasions and even more so, when being away from home and your typical routine. Absorb capsules are a golden ticket item if you have watery output, as when popped into your pouch, they help solidify the stool. This will enable the base plate to last longer. Having miniatures of sprays are ideal for having a bag change with you when you don’t want to carry a lot of bulk, particularly helpful at an event like a wedding. Having multi use products will always support you in this. Refresh 3 in 1 is perfect for this situation being a barrier, adhesive remover, and having a fresh linen scent. Available in 50ml, it can be carried about easily in most small bags to compliment occasional wear. 

Finally…

Weddings can be some of the best days for making memories with loved ones, and soak up the joy of those around you. Such a great boost of dopamine up for the taking! Be prepared, bring back up stoma bag changes, and keep hydrated and you’ll have a great time.

Rach
@gutsy.mum

Navigating talking about your stoma | by Rachel

Having stoma surgery is alot to physically and mentally get your head around. The journey you go through in being able to return to the activities your daily life requires of you takes its toll. There is suddenly new equipment to take with you, things to allow for, and a new bodily function to contend with. On top of all this, you may start being asked questions from friends, family or colleagues. Here are my top tips on how to navigate this:

Know your boundaries

When you do start to say what happened, it is useful to know what exactly you are comfortable in sharing and to whom. Know your boundaries and stick to what makes you happy. If someone asks questions you are not happy to answer, simply say that you are not comfortable to do so. They should respect your wishes. If they don’t, they are not the people for you. Allow family, friends and colleagues space to talk, but only on your terms should it be that you share such personal information. 

Handling awkward moments 

Just because you have had stoma surgery doesn’t mean it should be assumed you are automatically happy to share it warts and all. You may find some questions asked are comfortable to answer, but others not. This is perfectly fine, and ties in with knowing your boundaries as previously discussed. Topics that people may ask may include passing wind, intimate moments, or even wanting to see the bag. A simple response of not wanting to should be respected. If people are curious about topics you don’t wish to talk about, direct them to websites with useful blogs. You could point them to social media where people show aspects of stoma life. This can answer their questions without making it personal to you.

How to start a conversation 

If you are the one that would like to share and start the conversation it could be a bit daunting. The situation can dictate the approach such as a date, family member, or colleague with how much detail you want to go into. Choose an environment you can be most relaxed in. It might help to know beforehand what you would like to say. You could go through it beforehand, or write some pointers down. Give yourself time to heal, and be ready to have such conversations before you share. It may bring things up you weren’t prepared to feel, and that’s ok.

Who should you tell

Having a support network around you is very important for your recovery. Hopefully you have trusted family members, friends, or loved ones who will know. If there are some that don’t know but you want them too, you could ask those that do to give them the basics until you feel ready for a proper conversation. When returning to work, depending on how your health is overall, it may benefit you to let your employer know in case there are reasonable adjustments required. You do not have to tell your employer about your stoma, only if you want to. For me, I always have as it means having some appointments to attend, and needing the use of suitable toilet facilities should I need to change my bag in the workplace. 

In conclusion

How much you share is completely up to you, you don’t owe anyone an explanation or details. If you choose to share, that is your choice including how much detail you go into and when following surgery you do. There are many ostomates out there that choose never to share with a partner or loved one, and live their life with their stoma as a secret. Generationally, it was not typical to share such intimate details, and a stoma was certainly not shared. Before the days of social media it was not seen in the media, or openly discussed very often. One thing we can be thankful of in the development of technology and openness in society, is that there is representation, and opportunities (if you wish) to share.

Rach
@gutsy.mum