*Disclaimer: This blog shares Chris’ personal experience with his stoma and mental health. Everyone’s journey is different but if you are struggling with your mental health, please speak to your GP, stoma care nurse or a qualified healthcare professional.
Where do I start with this blog about my mental health and healing my mental health?
Let’s start with what a journey it has been, and sometimes continues to be. For me, my mental health is now in a much better place, but it often feels like it is simply in remission and could resurface at any time. Do you ever feel the same?
I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease in 2013 at the age of 38, although I know I had been suffering with symptoms since childhood. It took many years of pain, uncertainty and frustration before I finally received answers.
There were countless GP appointments, multiple trips to A&E and periods of severe suffering, yet nobody could explain what was happening to me. On more than one occasion, I was asked whether I was a drug addict, and I was treated very poorly. One of the hardest moments came when a close family member accused me of making up my symptoms.
That accusation hurt deeply.
With no diagnosis and little understanding from those around me, I eventually began questioning myself. Was I somehow causing these problems? Was it all in my head? Looking back, that uncertainty took a huge toll on both my confidence and my mental health.
In 2010, I joined the police. For the first time in my working life, I felt I had found my calling. I loved helping people, making a difference and building a career that meant something to me.
However, within a couple of years, my undiagnosed Crohn’s disease was beginning to take hold of my body.
When My Mental Health Reached Its Lowest Point
As my physical health declined, my mental health followed.
I became increasingly angry with my body and started shutting people out, including people who meant a great deal to me. I didn’t want to acknowledge what was happening, partly because I feared it would affect the career I loved so much.
Work became my distraction. I threw myself into policing because it allowed me to ignore my deteriorating health, but in reality I was becoming weaker. I was losing weight rapidly and looked unwell. I avoided mirrors because I hated what I saw looking back at me.
Comments such as “Chris, you look awful” only made things worse. Over time, I began to feel like a burden to everyone around me. My mental health deteriorated to the point where I questioned whether life was still worth living. I genuinely believed people might be better off without me.
All the while, I was still attending GP appointments and being admitted to A&E with severe pain, diarrhoea, bleeding and countless other symptoms. Yet I still did not have a diagnosis.
Eventually, my health started impacting my work. Despite being desperately ill, I continued turning up for shifts. On several occasions, my sergeant had to send me home. More than once, he personally took me to hospital because I was in such a poor state.
One day, while lying in a hospital bed in agony, a doctor asked me a question that changed everything: “Chris, how long have you had Crohn’s disease?” The problem was, nobody had told me.
The diagnosis was apparently recorded in my notes, yet I had never been informed. I wasn’t upset about having Crohn’s disease. I was devastated that nobody had told me I had been diagnosed.
Surgery, Setbacks and Reaching Breaking Point
Despite finally having a diagnosis, my journey was far from over.
Shortly afterwards, I required surgery for a stricture in my intestine. Over the years that followed, I underwent numerous procedures as my Crohn’s disease continued to worsen. I developed multiple fistulas and recurring perianal abscesses that failed to respond to treatments and surgery. Hospital admissions became a regular part of my life.
At the same time, I was losing control of my bowels and frequently having accidents, including while at work. As a frontline police officer, this was both physically and emotionally exhausting.
My career was suffering. The goals I had worked so hard towards felt further away than ever. Although I was receiving counselling, taking antidepressants and had the unwavering support of my wife Rachel, I still couldn’t see a way out of the cycle of pain and hospital admissions.
Eventually, I realised I had a major decision to make. After spending hours researching and learning about life with a stoma, I met with my surgeon and told her I wanted my rectum removed and a colostomy formed. By this stage, it felt like my last chance at getting my life back.
My surgeon agreed and booked the surgery six weeks later. Looking back, it had already been an incredible battle. Within five years, I had undergone at least twenty surgical procedures. There were times when I genuinely didn’t think I could keep going.
How My Stoma Helped Me Rebuild My Life
My stoma really did save my life.
It gave me my freedom, my independence and my future back. Of course, seeing my stoma for the first time was a shock. There was a bag attached to my body and I knew I faced another adjustment period. Even so, I never once believed I had made the wrong decision. I was determined to adapt as quickly as possible.
While still in hospital, I asked if I could start learning to care for my stoma immediately. I wanted to touch it, understand it and begin changing my bags myself. Having something practical to focus on gave me purpose and helped my recovery enormously.
Another thing that helped was talking openly about my stoma. People were often curious and wanted to learn more. What I initially saw as a challenge gradually became something positive. It felt like I had a new purpose.
The more I spoke about stomas, the more comfortable I became. My confidence grew, my health improved and my mental wellbeing strengthened. As time passed, I gained weight, regained strength and slowly started to feel like myself again.
Then one day, something happened that hadn’t happened in years. I looked at myself in the mirror. And I smiled. For the first time in a very long time, I liked what I saw. I felt proud of the person staring back at me. Proud of what I had overcome. Proud of my resilience.
That moment meant everything.
What Recovery Has Taught Me
My journey didn’t stop there.
I started my YouTube channel, Sydney Stoma, named after my stoma. Through sharing my experiences, I found another way to help people facing similar challenges.
I returned to work, rebuilt my confidence and eventually achieved one of my biggest career goals when I was promoted to sergeant.
Along the way, I also became an ambassador for Eakin Healthcare. Through ambassador events, photoshoots and meeting other ostomates, I have continued to grow in confidence and challenge myself in ways I never thought possible.
If you have recently had stoma surgery, my advice is simple:
- Take your time.
- Allow yourself to recover at your own pace.
- Start getting familiar with your supplies and equipment.
- Learn to change your bag as soon as you feel able.
- Connect with other ostomates and learn from their experiences.
- Keep talking about how you’re feeling.
Most importantly, remember this:
You are not alone.
Talking helps. Sharing your experiences helps. Reaching out for support helps. A stoma does not stop you from living a full, meaningful and rewarding life. Thank you for reading my story. I hope it helps someone who may be facing a similar journey.
